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#5 is Cleveland Browns head coach Romeo Crennel.  This coach hates low carb diets like Kyle Orton hates non-alcoholic drinks.  This coach hates low carb diets like Matt Leinart hates girls over 21. Thank god those Dockers are quadruple-pleated because Coach Crennel’s six pack has left the building.  Good coach, Pear-like physique.  This ones a no-brainer.  

At #4 is Coach Mangino, who has a “Man-Gina”.  It ain’t pretty.  We’re not mad at him, the guy can coach.  Would we challenge him in a hot dog eating contest?  Not on your life.  Would we hire him to represent NFL Juice in a national belly flop competition?  Depends on his cannonball skills, but probably. 

Rounding out the #3 spot is 49ers Offensive Coordinator, Coach Mike Martz, known for his pass-happy offensive schemes.  He’s also known for his unusually soft and palpable Double D’s.  Don’t let that water bottle fool you.  This guy destroyed a dozen donuts minutes before this pic was taken.  Like our other coaches, we’re not mad at Mike.  Is he thin?  No.  Does he lack definition?  Yes.  Next.  

Do we really need to explain this one?  #2 is Notre Dame head coach Charlie Weiss, who invented the FUPA. (Fat Upper Pubic Area), although there are other definitions, we like this one.  Notre Dame is a better program with Coach Weiss like his khaki’s are a better fit with a Fupandectomy, performed by an experienced physician-STAT.  

And the big weiner in this years Low Carb Diet Hater category is……….

You guessed it… Billy “The Big Tuna” Parcells.  He runs the Miami Dolphins .  He does NOT run on the treadmill. His FUPA is not quite the diameter of #4’s, but remember the category, “Coaches Who Hate Low Carb Diets”.  And Parcells hates anything that wasn’t popular 10 years ago.  

Thanks for joining us this morning.  [Takes bite from donut]